The Henry FAQ
Who is Henry?
Henry is this superhero guy.
Where do you get all your fantastic ideas from?
Mostly I steal them from others.
You stole my ideas. I need to send the process server. What is your address?
Why do you persist with this blasphemy when you know that the lord God almighty will surely strike you down for it?
I am going to stand next to you because I believe that your thick head will make a better conductor than mine. I expect that the thunderbolt will therefore strike you instead, and that, strangely enough, God will shrug in resigntion, mumble “Oh well, I tried.” then wander off to play a game of chess with Odin, or Freya.
What DOES Henry look like?
Henry looks like a superhero.
Do you like comic books?
Well I don’t take long intimate showers with them, but they’re ok, I guess.
Do you believe in jebuz?
No I believe in a network of wormholes connecting different worlds via a device known as a “stargate”. Next week I plan to believe in a huge space station called “Babylon 5″. After that I’m not sure.
What types of special powers does our super-hero have?
Henry has many important superpowers, including the ability to extract google adsense clicks out of unsuspecting visitors with his magical hypnotic abilities. [click on the ad. click on the ad. You are feeling sleepy. click on the ad.]
Can I send you my underwear?
No. Send cash instead, then I can buy some of my own. I have always wanted underwear.
Why are you doing this?
Aliens have taken my family and will not release them unless I spread their insidious propaganda.
Seriously, why are you doing this?
I heard about “blogging” and wanted to try it out. Tried a serious topic at first, but that just didn’t suit. So I invented Henry. It amuses me to write about Henry. When it ceases to amuse me I will drop Henry like an enormous turd, then sigh with the relief of somebody who has just dropped an enormous turd, wipe myself off, and find something else to do, never to be heard from again.
When Henry is home relaxing what does he do?
When he is at home he relaxes in front of a roaring fire and reads a book about chimpanzees. The same book. Every night. Henry is a slow reader.
Does he like Canadians?
Yes, Canadians make good firewood.
Can I get Henry’s autograph?
Sure. You can make one yourself. Take a pen and draw a large X. Henry cannot hold a pen properly, due to an unfortunate flamethrower accident, and because he was raised by monkeys, and because he is a fictional character.
I left a comment. Why did you not reply?
There are literally millions of comments on this weblog every single day. Most of them are threatening violence, or abusive, or begging me to stop writing this, and therefore have to be deleted, which is very time consuming. Because of all my seconds being gobbled up by the giant and terrifying time-monster I am unable to answer all comments. One day I will hire a team of luscious fembots to answer the comments for me.
update (2006/02/11): I will no longer reply to anonymous comments. Well, mostly I won’t.
Why did you delete my comment?
I don’t like stalkers. You know who you are.
Why “Henry the Adequate”? Surely “Henry the Great”, or “Henry the Magnificent” would be better.
Henry’s name was given to him by his parents, and he is very sensitive about it too, thank you very much.
I just discovered a major plot inconsistency.
No you didn’t. Your brain is broken. You should get it fixed. Also, that wasn’t a question.
Is Henry a homosexual?
Well in one story he did own a vase, which is kind of suspicious. Also, his sister is a lesbian and as we all know homosexuality is contageous. But, no, Henry is a manly man who does manly things, and heroically saves damsels in distress.
Ok, if he’s not a homosexual how come he’s not having sex with any of the damsels?
It is a code of honour thing.
No, seriously, he’s gay, right?
Will you cut it out with all the gay stuff. Ask me something else.
Are you gay?
That’s it. I’m outa here!
Ok. Ok. Do you think Henry will ever get married?
Henry is a superhero, and does not have time for marriage and stuff. He cannot rest until evil has been destroyed utterly.
So he is gay then.
Oh sod off.