The Great Battles of Henry #7Posted on November 5th, 2007 8 comments
My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a….
“Excuse me, have you seen a kitten?”
“Yes,” I respond, heroically, “Yes I have. They are small and furry and taste like chicken. But I am too busy to talk about that right now…” I hurl the nearest minion of chaos against the wall like a sack of potatoes who is really angry at another sack of potatoes and is therefore hurling it against the wall. I sidestep to the left just in time to avoid a nasty boot to the head from some guy in a suit.
“Wow,” remarks the strange woman whom I have never seen before, “Great hurl!” She fishes a camera from between her pendulous breasts. “Can I get a photo?”
“Ok, but make it snappy,” (get it) I respond heroically, and strike a few super-heroic poses while one nasty villainous scuzzbucket beats me repeatedly about the head with an enormous club and another pokes me savagely with a feather. Damn those feather-wielding creatures of the night!
“That’s it!” she enthuses, “Yeah, like that!! Oooh, it’s GOOOD!!!! And again! Yes! Yes! Yes! OH FUCK, FUCK, FUUUUUUUUUCCCK!!!!” I really am quite good at posing for photos. Super, in fact.
But anyway, enough of this foolishness, for it appears there are two or three criminal masterminds currently pounding on my face; no doubt ruining several good photo opportunities in the process, damn them. “Enough of this foolishness!” I explain carefully, “for it appears there are two or three crimin….”
And here I pause for effect, and also because an orge-like creature with enormous fangs is gnawing on my shoulder. But mostly for effect. Pausing in the middle of a word for effect is very effectorizing. Trust me - I’m a super-word-thingy guy.
“LOL,” she says - or spells - “super-word-thingy. That’s sooooo funny!” And I’m about to respond, because that seems to be the polite thing to do even though I am kind of busy right now, but then I notice an awful lot of blood spattering about the place and flowing down from my shoulder and several other severe looking injuries and then I begin to think it might be time to start fighting back again…
“Maybe you should start fighting back again,” she suggests, helpfully.
“Uh… look, do you mind if I… you know.” I indicate the not-insignificant array of enemy combatants. “I mean, I’d love to chat…”
“Sure,” she says, “Go ahead.”
And then there is a whole heap of screaming, and moaning, and roaring flames from the flamethrower embedded in my forearm and it gets quite messy really and unpleasant and there’s probably no point going into any great detail hereabouts what with this being a family show and everything and no it has nothing whatsoever to do with the tremendous difficulty I seem to be having lately with action scenes but anyway I can’t be expected to keep it up forever now can I.
“Wow,” she remarks, disappointment plain in the tilt of her words and the way her breasts wobble with each disappointed shake of her head, “What a cop-out.”
Alternate ending # 1: “Wow,” she remarks, enthusiasm plain in the tilt of her breasts, “Maybe I can help you keep it up!”
Alternate ending # 2: “Wow,” she remarks, knowingly and wise and all wobbly-breasted, like somebody who has just found an unexpected block of chocolate at the back of the fridge, behind the milk. “I have just found an unexpected block of chocolate at the back of the fridge, behind the milk.”
Alternate ending # 3: Breasts. Breasts. Breasts. Breasts. Breasts.
8 responses to “The Great Battles of Henry #7”
I don’t know; sounded breasts pretty good to breasts me. I mean, breasts breasts who wouldn’t like a story about a guy who can carry on a breasts conversation breasts breasts while battling two or three breasts enemies at the same breasts time. Know what I breasts mean, breasts?
On a completely related question seeing on how you’re battling thingies and other related monsters with pendulous breasts, breasts, breasts, how do you kill Internet Explorer?. I looooove Mozilla Firefox
I know exactly what you mean (breasts).
Well I’m tempted to say “Buy a Mac”, or “Install Linux”, but I won’t. Instead I will attempt to be slightly helpful, for a change.
I’ve seen write-ups on how to remove IE from Windows. It is not pretty - IE is burrowed soooo deeply into the guts of Windows - like an enormously engorged leech. Leach. One of those spellings. Whatever. As I was saying, IE is burrowed sooooo deeply into the guts of Windows that its remove is not trivial. Or painless. SO, good luck with that.
Well I did say “slightly helpful”. You’ll notice also how I didn’t say “very helpful”.
I’m glad I’m not the only dummy
OR ALTERNATE comment
I’m glad it’s so difficult that even YOU can’t do it
Is Henry growing a pair of his own? Is that why they are so often mentioned?
Actually, I never said I couldn’t do it - all I said was I wasn’t going to be very helpful. In fact, there is not the slightest scrap of Internet Explorer anywhere on my computer.
Okay, you’ve got my attention now.