My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero
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  • In the Ocean of Des Pair

    Posted on October 18th, 2007 Ben 6 comments

    My name is Henry the adequate, and I may or may not be a superhero.

    Consciousness begins to fade, tendrils of the old familiar Octopus of Despair tickling about the back of my brain. I try not to think of The Wiggles, but the Octopus of Despair looks so much like the octopus on that show; WhatsHisName the Octopus. Also, I have a new deal with my publisher - henceforth I am to be paid per octopus, so every time I use the word octopus, or octopie (That’s plural, right?)… ka-ching ka-ching!

    ….

    Ken the Octopus lived down in the deep green sea. Ken the Octopus, he’s a friend to guys with octopus fetishes. Not to mention calamari merchants.

    But on this day Ken the Octopus was feeling sad, and not just because he was a stupid pantomime octopus whose friends included a pantomime dinosaur, a pantomime dog, and four pantomime gay men, but also on account of the other thing which I may tell you about later but probably won’t.

    I know, thought ken, and then he said it out loud - “I know” - for, you see, he is an octopus with a very small brain who is literally unable to think something without also saying it. Clearly such a situation just cries out for a smartarse comment like, I don’t know, something about this pointing to a career in management, but I will resist the urge, partly because it is so obvious, but mostly because I am not that clever.

    Anyway, “I know,” thought/said Ken, “I will go and visit my friend, Rags the Dog.” Ken the Octopus enjoyed visiting Rags the Dog even though Ken tended to shrivel up and die when removed from the ocean. Rags was such a pleasant fellow. Oh, sure, he had a tendency to tear apart shoes, newspapers, and any kind of sea creatures - particularly those with tentacles. Sure, there was the leg-humping thing. Who could forget the leg-humping thing. But none of that really mattered, what with Ken the Octopus being an enormous masochist and all.

    “Hello Rags,” said Ken.

    “Hello Ken,” said Rags.

    “Hello Rags,” said Ken.

    “Hello Ken,” said Rags.

    “Rags,” said Ken.

    “Yes Ken?” said Rags.

    “Will you stop humping my tentacle.”

    “I’m afraid I can’t do that Ken,” said Hal…. uh, I mean Rags, in a spooky voice. This really freaked Ken out, so he wrapped several tentacles around Rags’ throat and squeezed and sqeezed and squeezed until the dog’s eyes popped out and its windpipe collapsed with a kind of a crunching sound just like in the movies.

    “Groovy,” thought Ken, the freaked-out suddenly-1970s octopus. Then he said “Groovy”, adjusted his afro, and wandered off in search of some acid and maybe a hot she-octopus chick or two.

     

    6 responses to “In the Ocean of Des Pair”

    1. A hot she-octopus or chick or two? So what you’re saying is… Ken the Octopus was on the prowl for some Octopussy?

    2. Got it in one. You must have an enormous brain or something.

    3. I’m not caught up yet but couldn’t help reading today. You’re marvelous.

      I was going to suggest that you might like Terry Pratchett as your style is very much like his. Then, I took a look at your inspirations and saw he was already listed. Have you read “Good Omens?” It’s a collaboration between Pratchett and Neil Gaiman (author of the comic-series/graphic novel, “The Sandman.”). It’s a humorous look at the Apocalypse. Seems right up your alley.

    4. The truth is I read one Terry Pratchett, about ten years ago. Don’t recall which it was, but was definitely not Good Omens.

      But you’re right - it does sound like my kind of thing.

    5. Octo means 8 right, so following you’re logic not sure if he-she or it should be checking out 8 octopies of an octopus with 8 tenticles?

    6. Don’t over-think it :)