Henry, in a bit of a picklePosted on January 18th, 2007 11 comments
I am frozen solid, upside down, the monster’s fist wrapped around my legs. In his other hand is my new ally, Mr Enthusiasm. Mr E seems less that enthusiastic at the moment, almost as though he is about to die or something. Perhaps I should say something inspirational - you know, to boost morale. “Oh, crap,” I remark, helpfully.
“Ugh,” grunts Mr Enthusiasm, like a blubbering semi-superhero who is not nearly as brave as I, as the hideous snowman creature bears us helpless into the night. I am disoriented for some reason. Lost. Perhaps it is the cold, or the being carried, swinging, upside down, like a rag doll, or an umbrella. But no - these things are not sufficient to mess with my unerring powers of knowing where I am. Clearly the devious creature employs some form of alien mind-scrambling device to screw up my otherwise unscrewable powers.
“Don’t worry, Mr E,” I say, in an attempt at comforting the poor fearful chap who apparently is too terrified to say anything but “Ugh” Unfortunately the cold and the tightness of the ice constricting my chest such that it is almost impossible to breathe are also making it virtually impossible to speak clearly, and my reassurances just come out as “Ugh.”
“Ugh,” says he, again, so he must be really damn scared now. Poor fellow. I pity him.
“I pity you,” I say, but this also just comes out as “Ugh.” “I have a plan,” I lie, just to maybe calm him down a bit. Surprisingly this sounds exactly like “Ugh Ugh Ugh Ugh.” but I’m sure he knows exactly what I mean, nonetheless.
We lapse into silence, which continues. And continues some more.
I am about to suggest a game of I Spy to pass the time and take his mind off the bloody fate which awaits us at our destination, but it seems abruptly as though we have arrived at our destination. I think this must be the case because we are now indoors, and there is a light, and also because we have just been dumped in a corner with a “This is our destination” and a bit of a kick to be going on with. Fortunately the ice absorbs most of the force from the blow.
“Take me to your leader, hideous fiend, for I am Henry the Adequate, superhero.” I demand, and this actually comes out ok, so perhaps the pressure about my chest has eased somewhat. Yes, the ice must have melted slightly.
“Henry, you fucking moron,” curses a terrifyingly familiar voice.
But it couldn’t be. Surely. Not here, wherever this is. Not now, whenever this is. I hesitate, as though I have just said something really stupid like “Not here, wherever this is. Not now, whenever this is.”
Fortunately the deeply threatening, thoroughly evil, yet somehow quite sensual female voice continues. “You’re really fucked now, Henry!”
It is her. Bugger. “Bees Knees?” And I thought the snowman was bad.
“Yes, Henry.” And, indeed, she steps into view. Her dark, flowing hair. Her deeply erotic walk. Her black, empty, soulless eyes. Her round, firm, tight… “It is I.”
I am shaken. Of all the evil creatures of the night, why did it have to be her. I muster the remnants of my composure. “What do you want?”
“Want?” She laughs, a sweet, soulful, deathly laugh. “I want you to look into my face Henry, you fuckwit. I want your last desperate scream, as I…” Oh, no, here it comes. “… as my snowman minion tears you limb from limb!”
Phew. That’s a relief. Thought I was going to have to have sex with her again.
“But first, we fuck.”
11 responses to “Henry, in a bit of a pickle”
I’m hoping a good shag gets Henry on the right path.
Sadly that is not likely. Henry has not been in cooee of any kind of path, let alone the right one, for some time now.
The best we can hope for is that a good shag might melt some of that ice.
ahhhh…Ms Bees Knees always manages to conquer the universe and screw Henry, I miss her.
and apparently she’s back…holy sex, was it that good a shag?
Will let you know, however I fear there may yet be another twist in this sordid tale of woe and despair and other stuff that I’m not going into right now on account of not having thought of it yet.
well, well, well… *tsk tsk* looks like you’re indeed in a bit of a pickle… that perhaps it is a situation that only YOUR PICKLE can get you out of, eh? let’s see how well you do!
Oh, no, what have I done? So much pressure to perform…
“I’m hoping a good shag gets Henry on the right path.” - Windfall Woman.
“Was it that good a shag?” - Lorraine.
“Let’s see how well you do!” - Ms Knees.
Now I’m all nervous and stuff…
NO fears Henry, although I decided to visit only photo blogs from now on…You will always be the hugest and best illusory shagger
I do what I can.
Visit a few of those nekkid sites on 25peeps and that’ll probably get Henry’s….blood flowing…..and his imagination. Throw in a ferris wheel or another amusement ride or something. Sounds like Ms. Knees could use a good spanking as well. That ought to do it.
Yeah, but what an enormous disappointment those nekkid sites are; flagrant nudity on 25 peeps, but not a sign of flesh on the site they’re linking to - just a regular day-in-the-life blog.