My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero
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  • Henry, Savior, Hero, Fray Dancer

    Posted on January 14th, 2007 Ben 18 comments

    Again, the chill wind of regret blazes about my shoulders, like the breath of an enormous evil snowman…. Actually, I don’t think that was regret at all…

    “Look out!” calls a voice, full of urgency and desperation and a surprising degree of enthusiasm. I notice a brightly clad man with a big shiny “E” on his chest. I notice him because of the way he barrels into me, knocking me across the bonnet of a car and into the bushes on the far side.

    “Hey, man,” I begin, then pause because I have this nagging feeling that I may have just missed something important. But no, I am Henry the Adequate, superhero, and I miss neither important stuff, nor trains. “What the hell are you…” I pause again, this time so that I might leap with all the surging power of my ultra-charged muscles from the path of a freezing blast of icy death that pours forth out of nowhere. Or possibly it pours forth out of the enormous evil snowman that is currently charging for our position, but that hardly seems very likely. And anyway, I have no time to worry about cause and effect and where this freeze ray or that javelin of ice might have originated - this is a life or death situation, dammit.

    I land, roll, pause to change the tape on my voice recorder so that I might continue to dictate these notes, then peer cautiously from behind a large green bin.

    “Wow, that was close!!” remarks the brightly clad one, like a man with no regard for the crippling exclamation point shortage that has the country in its grip. I charge my rocket launchers, while simultaneously wondering what the “E” on his chest refers to; I think maybe it is “Ethernet Man” and he’s a guy who does computer networking for a living. Yes, that is probably it.

    Prepared, we leap from cover and dance into the fray, like a pair of brave superheros, except he is some computer guy and not a superhero at all so possibly I should think of a different metaphorsimilie … word construction thingy…

    Prepared, we leap from cover and dance into the fray, like a pair of socks, Ethernet man hurling razor sharp five-pointed stars that look as though they are made from exclamation points, and I launching a deadly payload from each of my twin rocket launchers. There is an enormous explosion, light, smoke, and snow, drifting like a drift of snow.

    “So, Ethernet man,” I remark, as the smoke begins to slowly dissipate, “It appears we have been victorious. My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero!” From the clearing smoke emerge the towering legs of the snowman, like enormous pillars. No doubt I have blown the entire torso to bits, leaving only these impressive monuments to the folly of evil, standing forever in this place. I turn to my companion, snowman remains forgotten.

    “Ethernet man??!! I am Mr Enthusiasm!!” I knew that, of course, but it is good to give people an opportunity to introduce themselves and all that. Yeah, I totally knew. I resolve to overlook his flagrant violations of the Law of Conservation of Exclamation Points, for now.

    “So, Mr Enthusiasm, another glorious victory then.”

    “Uh…. about that glorious victory…” He seems to be indicating something over my right shoulder, as though he is attempting to warn me of something really dire and desperate, like perhaps an expired parking meter or something.

    “Yes indeed. No doubt songs will be sung about this battle for generations to come!”

    Suddenly, without a hint of any kind of warning, there is a huge roaring blast of ice-cold air and we are hurled to the ground like something that is easily hurled to the ground. I leap bravely to my feet. But no, my limbs are unresponsive; frozen. I cannot turn my head. Can but blink and choke back the terror that engulfs me…

    But wait. My lips. I can move my lips. If I can only… Mustering all of my courage and strength and willpower for this final effort, I do speak. Defiantly. Powerfully. As though only my words can save us now…

    “Oh, crap.”

     

    18 responses to “Henry, Savior, Hero, Fray Dancer”

    1. Henry needs a girlfriend. Like really bad.

    2. Sorry, I can’t write that stuff.

      Although, Henry did get laid once, or twice.

    3. Fray Dancer…that’s just charming Ben…

      WW you have to read Henry’s FAQ, ’cause he’s not gay. He did, however, lay an egg and Ms. Bees Knees, who unfortunately has left the blog world to conquer or devastate the Universe.

    4. I do what I can.

    5. I just read the Ms. Bees Knees post; it sounds like she laid him. My blog seems boring compared to all of this.

    6. Well, you know how the old saying goes: “We can’t all be Henry the Adequate”.

    7. Alas.

    8. Do we stop talking now?

    9. Not necessarily. But pretty soon I run out of things to talk about, on account of being a socially retarded moron, and then I would start rambling about inane junk you really don’t want to know, such as my collection of Stargate DVDs, or my sad and pathetic habit of putting “and stuff” at the end of sentences because I think it sounds cool, and stuff.

      Also, I didn’t really have anything to follow “Alas.”

      Next you’ll be wanting me to tell you five things you don’t know about me.

    10. I realized the error of my ways when I posted “Alas.” Will you hate me if I say I like the other blog better? Henry is very captivating of course, but Ben “I am so damn good” is much more so.

    11. No, I do not hate you. But clearly some kind of gift is in order - perhaps a cardboard box so that next time I move house I can pack my shattered pride. Sniff.

    12. I’m so sorry. May I offer you a tissue? Might there be a way I could boost your pride?

    13. Yes, possibly, there might be some way, but that kind of thing is often frowned upon by my darling wife. I have no idea why - Probably something to do with rules and morals and so-called “vows”, and other social niceties whose many subtle nuances sometimes escape me.

      The tissue might be ok though.

    14. Cheer Up WW…he’s never talked to me that long or that often or even explained things and stuff! Yeah I’m fond of How fucking good he is blog too, but his genius comes across on Henry.
      oh and Technoblogical although I don’t understand zilch, except for once he posted something red!

    15. Hi Lorraine. I don’t need to respond to this comment, because you weren’t talking to me. You know, just so you don’t think you’re being ignored or anything.

    16. Lorraine, thank you for your kind words. Your photography is gorgeous. Seriously.

    17. Ben,
      You always ignore me.

      No thanks necessary Ms Wind…and thanks for your visits, it was nice :) Ben visited once.

    18. Twice, but who’s counting.