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Henry, Computer Guru, to the Rescue @ Henry the Adequate
My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero
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  • Henry, Computer Guru, to the Rescue

    Posted on November 21st, 2006 Ben 3 comments

    My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero.

    “Uh, ok. Can I help you, Mr Adequate?”

    “Yes. I would like to order a three point two gigahurts mouse,” I announce, importantly, for I am a superhero on a mission. A mission of mercy. Why, no sooner had I defeated the hideous Internet Exploderer than the poor distraught young Miss Wise of the Raven Hair and the heaving bosom came to me with yet another problem…

    “Are you sure you know about computers?” She seemed in need of reassurance.

    “Oh yes, I am an Open Sauced Guru guy. For example, I can see now why your Windows XP is not working right - there are several nasty looking bugs in your modulator-demodulator, plus…”

    “It’s just, well… that’s the Roach Motel.”

    “Of Course it is!” I replied, full of really intense reassurance rays. “Fortunately my super-reflective powers of seeing that which I am not looking at allow me to expertly diagnose all sorts of stuff just by studying your roaches. That one may be pregnant, by the way.”


    “Please, show me the problem you are having so that I may show you the problem you are having.”

    “Well, the computer seems really slow, and I thought it might be some kind of virus, or worm, or spyware, or…”

    “Of course!” I interrupted, while tapping away at the mouse button, because I had discovered something terribly important. “Your computer seems to be really slow!”

    “Yes, I think it might be some kind of virus, or worm, or spyware, or…”

    “Ah, ha!” After a careful examination of the computer using my ultra-xray powers, I felt it necessary to interrupt once more. “The problem is your mouse is too slow!”


    “Yes, this is a three point two gigahurtzs computer, but you are using a three hundred dpi mouse! Three hundred is waaaay slower that three point two gigahurts.”

    “Well….” she says, uncertainty bursting from her like that alien in that movie about the alien that bursts from people’s chests, whatever it was called. It is almost as though she suspects that I am a moron who knows nothing whatsoever about computers. But no, she is just overawed at my amazing ability to instantly spot the problem with her computer thingy.

    “Fear not, fair damsel, for I, Henry the Adequate, will sort this out! First, I must reboot your mouse.” I ripped it with my mighty hand from the computer - it is important to do this part swiftly, so none of the dpi’s escape and cause corrosion in the circuits - and booted it with all my superhuman strength through the window, which, you know, would probably have been better had the window been open at the time, but how was I to know there was a cat right under the window and anyway, cats kill native wildlife and you should all be thanking me and what were the odds anyway of that large, razor sharp, shard of glass falling right there…

    So, here I am, at the computer store, sorting out my neighbour’s computer problems. Actually, I think she has a thing for me. A shiny thing.


    Ah, clearly this sales guy is new, and does not understand the high-techedness of it all. “I wish to order a three point two gigahurts mouse,” I explain, again.

    “Ah. No, well, um…”

    “Perhaps I should speak to a more experienced sales drone?”

    “It’s just that there’s no such thing as a three point two gigahurts mouse.”

    “Oh.” Now here is a problem I had not anticipated. “So you’re saying I need to overclock the old mouse so it can sync with the Central Prostrating Unit? Because, see, I destroyed the old one to prevent dpi seepage.”


    “What about that one? It’s much bigger than the old mouse.”

    “That’s a fax machine.”

    “Excellent. I’ll take two!” Well, you know, fax is, like, 14000 baud, which is much faster than three hundred dpi.


    3 responses to “Henry, Computer Guru, to the Rescue”

    1. Talk about killing two birds with one mouse…doesn’t gigahurt? Sync is a band isn’t it? so have they been having prostrate problem?
      I only understand the keywords….

    2. You are my density…I mean, you are a master of high-techedness and I am but a puny computer thingy user.

      I want to be just like you when I grow up…

      or something.

    3. Lorraine:
      Yes, well, I do not go in for this new-fangled music stuff.

      Miss Ann:
      As a superhero the heavy weight of fandom weighs heavily on Henry’s mighty shoulders, like a really heavy thing. But Henry can handle it, because of his superness.