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IE Rulez, Firefox Suxz @ Henry the Adequate
My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero
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  • IE Rulez, Firefox Suxz

    Posted on July 2nd, 2006 ben 33 comments

    There’s been some outrageous claims bandied about in the last year or two about how this “Mozilla Firefox” thingy is better than Internet Explorer. Well I, Henry the Adequate, superhero, am here to set the record straight, because of my amazing powers of record straightening and my incredible computer skills. Sorry, skillz. I am soooo damn hip.

    Reasons Internet Explorer is better than Firefox

    1. Being an explorer is a noble pursuit, filled with adventure and naked cheerleaders. Being a fox means you’re vermin, fit only to be torn to pieces by rabit rabid dogs.
    2. Basil Brush is really really really really annoying.
    3. Tabbed browsing is evil because Microsoft are paying me to say that tabbed browsing is evil. When IE 7 comes out tabbed browsing will be completely rad. My hipness knows no limits, because of my superpowers of being really cool, and stuff.
    4. Internet Explorer is much more powerful that Firefox. For example, when Firefox crashes I just have to restart it, and keep browsing. Firefox even remembers the tabs I had open, thanks to the sessionsaver extension. However, when IE crashes it takes down the whole operating system, the fridge, the toaster, and any pacemakers that may happen to be nearby. Also, the neighbour’s cat starts behaving strangely. Now that is real power.
    5. Internet Explorer supports activex controls. These neat little programs can be installed on your computer from just about any remote server and they allow the kind and friendly and completely honest internet guys in Russia to help you avoid spyware, viruses, Trojans, and rootkits. Damn those annoying Trojans. Troy totally deserved to be sacked.
    6. Internet Explorer is more secure than Firefox. I mean, with all those philanthropic Russian dudes helping us with their free activex spyware prevention tools and their brilliant popups, how could any nasties every infect your computer via Internet Explorer? Also, Microsoft only fix IE security bugs when they feel like it, which just goes to show that IE really is totally secure - otherwise MS would be fixing them immediately, like the Firefox guys do. IE is so good it doesn’t need its bugs fixed.
    7. Internet Explorer allows, even encourages, popups and popunders. It is actually extremely dangerous to have only one browser window open at a time. Multiple browser windows are kind of like that guy in XMen 3 who can be in many different places at the same time. The nasty virus thingies won’t get you if they can’t work out which window is the real one. Trust me, I’m a completely independent superhero analyst guy without any ties to Microsoft or anything like that, and anyway, what’s a couple of million dollars between friends strangers.
    8. Internet Explorer is tightly integrated with the operating system. This has many benefits. For example, Windows is totally secure and totally stable. Therefore IE, by virtue of its close ties with the OS, inherits these characteristics. Also, it is almost impossible to completely remove IE from Windows, whereas Firefox is very easily removed - another example of the supreme power of Microsoft and Internet Explorer. Also, and I am just throwing this one in because I feel this article needs some more alsos, if IE cannot be removed, why bother installing a different browser?
    9. Firefox is “Open Source” software. This means that you are legally obliged to spend ten hours per day hacking arcane source code, with absolutely no remuneration, for the rest of your life. Damn those viral licenses.
    10. Internet Explorer belongs to Microsoft, and only Microsoft. Even the copy on your computer is not yours, but is usable by you temporarily, until Microsoft see fit to deny you permission, or until IE sees fit to hose your Windows installation - whichever comes first. So far it has never been necessary for MS to deny anybody permission, because they are so kind and generous.
    11. Mystique is hot.

    Conclusion
    Use Internet Explorer, because it is tops, and really neat. Don’t use any of that evil “Free” software stuff on your computer, because that makes you a pinko commie sympathizer who will soon be involved in an unfortunate flamethrower accident. You’ve been warned.

     

    33 responses to “IE Rulez, Firefox Suxz”

    1. I deserve every wit of your whip…I bend my head in shame, I tried , Superhero Henry knows, I tried, but it won’t go away!

    2. That’s what I thought.

      I’m glad to have an amazing power confirm another amazing power’s power and I can sleep soundly because I find myself feeling really secure just because. It’s really icky, changing my mind and all and doubting those with the authority that I gave them.

      (Although, in MS’s defense, they DO snap to it when you dump your browser problems in their laps in New Delhi. I feel for all those PhDs with their wonderful philosophical bents having to fix my problem remotely because I have no intention of hanging up the phone until they do and furthermore, I have even less intention of being charged even the littlest bit for their assistance. Who, I ask you, among Firefoxes would sheepishly, even apologetically, assemble a research team and spend six hours going through my registry with me just to repair some dll corruption?)

    3. I think this blog must be written in French, because France won the World Cup 2006.

      Hi my name is Benny B. Bé eu deux aines i grec Bé, Mon nom à moi C’est Benny B oui tu l’as deviné !!!
      Comme toi je veux la justice, essaye de défendre mes droits
      Partout où tu vois la foule, c’est qu’on parle de moi
      Je descends des quartiers soit disant mal fréquentés
      Où la P.J y passe les 3 quarts de la journée
      Mais j’en ai marre de tout ça
      J’en ai marre de cette vie là
      Et pour sortir de cette impasse, je ferai n’importe quoi !

      MAIS VOUS ETES FOUS ? OH OUI…

      Mais qui l’accompagne ? …
      BENNY B.

    4. Ney Walens de Mesquita'

      You have to read more security alerts, a lot of them affect IE and not Windows Core and vice-versa. So the comparison of both Browsers on the security field have to ignore overall problem with the platform (Windows).

      I agree with you in the case of the integrated facility with IE and Windows but i think that isn´t the best feature of a browser.

    5. Bravo! Good to see one or two other bloggers can carry satire these days! The other half of the fun is missing: watching all those flames crop up from bogus readers who don’t get that it’s satire.

      I tried this form once or twice in my blog, but I blew it. On the plus side, the comments ran about 60% clued sly winks, and 40% clueless flames, which is just the right distillation.

    6. Dude… he’s being completely sarcastic… Your not too bright are you…

    7. Hahahaha, but, it is damn hard to get to run on my Fedora Core 5 system under wine. I wish it was easier man. Maybe you should do a tutorial on how to get IE 7 to run under wine, I am sure I do not care, but it could be fun.

    8. mrdeadworry: there are a handful of shell-scripts about which do this easily. I deleted my MSIE-under-WINE immediately after installation and testing, because I wasn’t feeling quite that suicidal at the time.

      Henry: I have a number of users who flat-out refuse to use MSIE because of its total-whole-system approach to bugs. Call me a masochist, but I like Konqueror for all of its features; nevertheless, I use FireFox a lot as well. It takes a special kind of masochistic mood for me to use any Microsoft software (LookOut, Office, etc).

    9. Lorraine:
      NRR

      Scaryfairy:
      Corrupt dlls shouldn’t be repaired - they ought to be voted out of office, the bastards.

      Benny B:
      Huh?

      Ney:
      IE has been made part of the platform, therefore IE bugs are Windows bugs. Having said that, IE is goddamn perfect and totally bug free and secure and any features IE doesn’t have aren’t worth having, and activex is great, and stuff.

      Pete:
      Can’t afford to be subtle with those /. morons. Having said that, what satire?

      Mr Rogers:
      What is sarcastic? Is that kind of like a cattle tick, because my dog had one of those and it nearly killed him.

      mrdeadworthy:
      Yes, I should. That sounds like a neat idea for somebody to do. Somebody not me, because I am sooooo damn lazy. Winetools used to handle it, but doesn’t work with any recent wine versions. Having said that, I am going off wine and spirits, because of the court order.

      Leon:
      I would use Konq, but am addicted to several of the Firefox extensions. At home I have a dual boot Win2k/Debian machine. Last booted into Win2k sometime in 2004, or possibly 2003. Having said that… Sorry, have completely run out of what passes for wit around here.

    10. What! Our greatest fears finally put to rest? Thank you, O Mighty Hero!

      I’ll have mayo and mustard on this pile of baloney, please! ;-)

      Stick with reality, and not Microsoft’s version of it.

      Great sarcasm, btw!!!

    11. IE live; FF died!!!! IE for ever.

    12. You have to read more security alerts, a lot of them affect IE and not Windows Core and vice-versa. So the comparison of both Browsers on the security field have to ignore overall problem with the platform (Windows).

      I agree with you in the case of the integrated facility with IE and Windows but i think that isn´t the best feature of a browser.

      Thans my brother for this comment

    13. Mezzie:
      Microsoft’s version of reality is best. Remember, twelve billion Windows users can’t be wrong*

      Domen:
      I like your comment because it doesn’t have many words in it.

      djzirconium:
      I keep getting this terrible feeling of deja vu.

      * numbers exaggerated slightly for dramatic effect.

      PS: I keep getting this terrible feeling of deja vu.

    14. ff rulez. the only reason ppl use IE is coz it comes with windows

    15. DOg:
      IE is better because explorers are noble and foxes are vermin, and…. but now I must be going - there are some important kittens to rescue from a tree. Flamethrower will probably do the trick. A superhero’s work is never done.

      Well, I never do mine, at any rate.

    16. This Is a MUST READ for all those currently debating whether to go with the Frantic Firefox Browser or hitch up their wagons to Uncle Bill’s mainframe.

    17. Do you work for MS? are you Steve Ballmer’s brother?
      Internet Exploiter has some huge security holes. ActiveX isn’t necessary for me.

    18. Silly person (son of a)

      wotza browser?

    19. I used IE once and my cat started acting REALLY weird….
      And then my toaster blew up!!

      But when i installed firefox everything was automagically fixed!

      Thanks Firefox!

    20. Andrew:
      I do what I can.

      Guest:
      You know I’m bullshitting, right? FYI I don’t even run Windows, let alone IE.

      Mr Person:
      A browser is a person who spends ages in a shop looking at stuff but doesn’t buy anything.

      Kirk:
      How very enterprising of you. Sorry, couldn’t resist. What’s it like working for Starfleet anyway?

    21. I wonder, do you have any pictures of rabit dogs? I assume they have big buck teeth and long ears. Scary, but not as scary as rabid ones.

    22. TheWakeUpCall

      Hahaha. The guy that said

      ‘Do you work for MS? are you Steve Ballmer’s brother?
      Internet Exploiter has some huge security holes. ActiveX isn’t necessary for me.’

      Please tell me you were being sarcastic like this article was!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    23. Oh,what a beautiful blog! I like it very much! I’m agreeable to your point of view!
      my name is 反应釜 I hope to make feiends with you !

    24. Superb…
      Ben,
      Your hillarious.

    25. Matt:
      Rabit dogs a waaaay scarier, because of their rate of reproduction, but mostly because of the ears.

      TheWakeUpCall:
      One can only hope.

      Jacky:
      Well, I suppose we could be feiends. Do you fuck on the first date?

      Arnie:
      Thanks. Many would disagree - to them I say “may your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down”.

      PS: Do you fuck on the first date?

    26. wow.. I dindt realize that IE was sooooo much better then Firefox. I have now removed firefox, and willl forever you IE from MS! Thanx!!

    27. I use IE. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not installed on my computer. But watching my cat’s behavior tells me when my neighbor is online using IE. ;-)

    28. Well…if it weren’t for that lil evil thing called Fire Fox I wouldn’t have found this site…you must give credit where credit is due. And i love the Stumble button. XD. And yes Fire Fox has issues…IE has issues… Windows, linux and every computer oppersating system has issues. I just go with what i like… COME TO THE DARKSIDE >>>WE HAVE COOKIES…and the Stumble button mwhahahahahaha.

    29. Do you know that M$IE has so many hidden features we know not about?! The M$ employees get to enjoy them … on the other side of the wall…

    30. You’re a bit of a fag, arn’t you?

    31. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
      no
      ie is shit
      i have a pc that crashes whe ie opens……….
      i can control my itunes wmp or any other media player from firefox
      once ie 7 comes out tabbed browsing will be slightly worse as microsoft will be making something with it, i never have any popups with firefox, nor do i have annoying toolbars that fill the window leaving an inch and a half page viewing space.
      i write this to you now using a firefox browser.
      ie is balls
      firefox will burn to the ground the houses of any heathens that say otherwise
      i bid you farewell as i click the sibmit button and then close my tab, which was included in the very first version of firefox
      *sticks out tounge*

    32. and I mean who could really support a browser based on the idea of mutilating poor defenseless foxes?

    33. I have a dream
      That one day
      All will live in a land of the fox and the fire
      That SU will be more known as Stumble Upon than Shutup
      And that all horses of Troy shall been smought (past tense of smite)
      Then eaten, at the whim of the one great fox