Henry’s Guide to Really Good Writing - Part 1Posted on April 18th, 2006 15 comments
My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a super writing person.
A lot of people are going to try to tell you how to write. For example:http://www.scalzi.com/whatever/004023.html. But those people don’t really know stuff like Henry knows stuff, so I am here to tell you how the professional writing thingy people do it.
- Do not start your numbered lists at zero, because you are not a c programming computer nerd guru like me.
- Do not use numbered lists, because they suck.
- Long sentences are better because you don’t want to waste too many keystrokes on periods and exclamation points and question marks and stuff, and also RSI is a very real and very serious affliction caused by too much punctuation so always join sentences together wherever possible and make really long sentences because that will save your wrists and other bits from getting pains.
- Make stuff up, because research is really really hard.
- If you can’t spell a word, or if you can’t think of a good word to use, make up a new word, or use a
substut… substetutethe word “stuff” instead. Dictionaries are for losers.
- Words can mean anything you want them to mean. Humpty Dumpty said so.
- Similes and Metaphors are great. Use them all the time. At least one in every paragraph. Even if you don’t know any, just kinda invent something, like a really clever person who invents things.
- Tricky writing tricks are really overrated. Plot, characterisation, setting, theme, spelling, paragraphs - all of these are just fascists tools of oppression that really only exist so arrogant elitist morons can pretend they are better than us.
- When in doubt steal somebody else’s ideas, because that is easier.
- Repeat repeat repeat, because people are morons. Did I mention you should keep repeating yourself? It is easier than writing new stuff, and nobody will notice, because they are all morons.
- Most numbered lists only go up to ten. I can have more, because I am Henry the Adequate, superhero.
15 responses to “Henry’s Guide to Really Good Writing - Part 1”
1. When in doubt steal somebody else’s ideas, because that is easier.
4. no one writes better than henry because no one is nearly as adequate so no one should even try to write as good an just write different kind of smiley faces instead
5. Like this
6. I don’t know what that means though
7. I don’t know what that means though
8. I don’t know what that means though
9. Repeat, repeat, repeat
10. Repeat, repeat, repeat
11. Repeat, repeat, repeat
12. Oh crap. I went past ten…
Yes, it is true - nobody writes as good as Henry. But I like to encourage mere humans to at least have a go.
Darn it, all these wasted years of writing, following stupid writing rules, reading lists, trying to please morons… and to what end? Well No Fucking More. Henry, you do bring me to my sinses!
My work here is done.
Mr. CFP has that ’stuff’ part already figured out.
I am so so so happy that I now hvea lal thes tips!!!!
I have a lot of trouble with that punctuation thing and I write in long sentences because you are so right about the threat of painful wrist injuries that may also result in a broken fingernail and do you have any idea WHAT A MANICURE COSTS!!!111!!1/?.>/?!!1 Also when you do use punctuation make sure you use lots off it since your finger is on that key anyway……..
Henry is so smart!!!!!22!!111
ps: you have a database error upon clicking submit a comment, tho the comment appears.
also (I love that word) you don’t have a remember info option which means i could potentially break a fingernail and i might sue you.
Hi Miss Ann. “…make sure you use lots off it since your finger is on the key anyway…”
Damn I didn’t think of that. Good point. Excellent. I will steal it.
Also, thanks for the info re database error, and suggestions and stuff. I will look into it.
PS Is anybody else getting the database error, because it doesn’t happen for me.
nope, but my administrator is fucking good!
I’ve heard that about him. Somewhere.
I have another tip - use another language to write it in, like Danish:
Så er der ikke nogen som forstaar hvad du skriver, men det virker som om du er meget, meget klog.
Ooh, that is good. But I don’t know any other languages. Well…. I could write it in elvish, but then people might get the idea that I’m some kind of Tolkein freak.
But then all you could say would be : ‘Thank ‘ya, Thank ‘ya very much’
I don’t think Tolkein said that.
[...] In Part one I offered some super-charged advice that will have you making mega writing bucks in no time. Now it is time for Part Two - The Legend Continues going on about writing stuff. I really am a legend, you know. [...]