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Category » Advice « @ Henry the Adequate
My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhero
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  • Henry’s Tech Advice #7 - Drag and Drop

    Posted on April 30th, 2007 Ben 6 comments

    As a magnificent computer guru guy it often befalls me to offer my sage advice to the poor and wretched lusers, and their poor and wretched family and friends. Usually this advice falls within the sphere of computer hardware and/or software, but occasionally I receive a cry for help that just cannot be ignored, even though it may not fall within the scope of my core competencies, yet still I do my best to assist, and my best is pretty damn good on account of being a brilliant superhero dude!

    Thus it is with “Kevin” (Name changed because his real name sucks), who asks me to please explain “drag and drop”.

    Well, Kevin, believe it or not there are strange, twisted, demented men in the world who like to go out in public dressed as women. This is known as being “in drag”. Now before you go condemning these sicko losers as, well, sicko losers, please remember that we live in a world of almost infinite diversity, where even the lowliest retard has the Flying Spaghetti Monster given right to parade around in frilly knickers like a sad pathetic wanker with no friends.

    Now, as far as the “drop” part of Drag and Drop goes, the prevailing theory suggests that this behavior will end as soon a the perpetrator’s balls finally drop. This is, of course, rubbish. In fact “drop” is simply what happens when his girlfriend finds out.

    Need help with computer stuff? Henry can help. I promise a timely and definitive response to any technical question asked in the comments here.

    Glossary
    promise - vaguely suggest that something might happen, if you’re really really lucky.
    timely - If it occurs at all it will be within the context of the space-time continuum.
    definitive - My response may contain some definitions, such as these.

  • Henry’s Tech Advice #6 - Deleting Spaces

    Posted on March 27th, 2007 Ben 12 comments

    Frustrated writes: Henry. I have a problem with a text file. There are spaces at the beginning of most of the lines and I need to get rid of them. Can you suggest an easy way to do this?

    Greetings Frustrated. You have certainly come to the right place, for I am Henry the Adequate, superhero, and my computer guru-ness is second only to that guy who empties the bins at the office. No, no. I know what you’re thinking, but the bin thing is just a hobby. Professionally he is a a damn fine butcher, and just last week bought a computer for the kids, so you can believe me when I say he knows a thing or two.

    Anyway, thanks to my enormous superheroic brain, the answer to your dilemma is as follows, assuming the file in question is called “file.txt”:

    If you are using Microsoft Windows

    1. Double click on the file “file.txt” to open it in Notepad. This is one of the best text editors ever to be included free with a Windows operating system.
    2. Click at the beginning of the first line you wish to edit. Click and drag from here to just before the first non-space character, then release the mouse button.
    3. Press the “Delete” key on your keyboard (the thing with lots and lots and lots of buttons on it).
    4. Notice how all of the highlighted spaces magically disappear with a single keystroke! Magnificent isn’t it.
    5. Repeat 2,3,4 until you reach the end of the file.
    6. Click on “File/Save” to save your changes.
    7. Click on the little “x” in the top right of Notepad to exit.

    It really is that easy with Windows, thanks to the power of the graphical interface.

    If you are using Macintosh
    Well, no experienced Mac user would be asking such a question, so I am going to assume you are a bit of a newbie. Firstly I would like you to think about that Star Trek movie where Scotty is trying to use a twentieth century system. “Computer,” he says, then waits for a response. That other Star Trek guy hands him the mouse. Of course, thinks Scotty. He holds the mouse up to his mouth. “Computer.”

    “Just use the keyboard,” suggests some person who is really quite unimportant so I will just move on without discussing him any further.

    You see? Scotty’s problem was that he expected the computer to understand his spoken, plain English commands. Your problem, of course, is exactly the opposite - Macs really are that clever. Just pick up the mouse and explain what it is you would like to have done.

    If you are using a Linux/Unix computer
    sed -i ’s/^[ \t]*//’ file.txt

    Conclusion
    I am a really great computer guru guy. In fact I am so clever I even managed to bluff my way through the Macintosh section without anybody noticing I know nothing whatsoever about Apple computers.

    Need help with computer stuff? Henry can help. I promise a timely and definitive response to any technical question asked in the comments here.

    Glossary
    promise - vaguely suggest that something might happen, if you’re really really lucky.
    timely - If it occurs at all it will be within the context of the space-time continuum.
    definitive - My response may contain some definitions, such as these.

  • Henry’s Tech Advice #5 - Display Problems

    Posted on October 29th, 2006 Ben 2 comments

    Lorraine asks: Your weblog looks different…did you burn that one out too? or maybe it’s my laptop, seeing on how I’m using my laptop at this moment!

    Hi Lorraine. Thanks for stopping by.

    I think the problem must be in your laptop. Or possibly your lap; faulty laps can certainly cause laptops to malfunction. The usual solution is to reformat the lap - this is done with a hot iron and a pound of butter, but should only be attempted if you are a computer expert like me, or possibly if you are somebody who takes in ironing for a living.

    Need help with computer stuff? Henry can help. I promise a timely and definitive response to any technical question asked in the comments here.

    Glossary
    promise - vaguely suggest that something might happen, if you’re really really lucky.
    timely - If it occurs at all it will be within the context of the space-time continuum.
    definitive - My response may contain some definitions, such as these.

  • Henry’s Tech Advice #4 - RSS Feeding

    Posted on June 28th, 2006 Ben 4 comments

    Hair Removal Products asks: “Anybody know how we get an RSS feed for this blog? I am not very tech savvy and would really like to get updated info on this blog. Thanks!”

    Well, Hair, you’ve come to the right place. I, Henry the Adequate, superhero, happen to be something of an expert on RSS feeding, not to mention savvys. You don’t mind if I call you “Hair”, do you? I mean I was going to use “Mr Products”, but then if you’re female that might be kind of awkward.

    Anyway, the best way to remove RSS from your hair is by applying generous quantities of Henry’s Miracle Tonic, available at a supermarket near you.

    Now, as to RSS Feeding - Firstly let me point out that RSS is a highly toxic chemical, and must not be given to infants, unless you really really want to. Please see the advisory here: http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com/?p=347.

    If you do insist on using RSS, I recommend some kind of protective gear - perhaps one of those hazardous chemical suits, or a condom. Also please install Norton Antivirus, because it will surely block all nasty viruses, backdoors, and rootkits not officially sanctioned by the RIAA or Microsoft.

    Now that you have taken the necessary precautions, you can begin to deploy very small quantities of RSS as follows:

    In Firefox 1.5: Navigate to the web page whose link you’d like to add (for example: http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com) then click on the little picture thingy that looks like a satellite dish at the end of the address thingy bit. In earlier versions of Firefox the satellite thingy will be in the bottom right of the Firefox window.

    Internet Explorer: Holy cow! You must act now to save your soul from almost certain destruction! Click on This link, download Firefox, install, see instructions above.

    Akregator: Click “Feed”, then “Add Feed”, then type, or copy and paste, the following: http://weblog.henrytheadequate.com/?feed=rss2 Now click Ok.

    Liferea: Click the “+” button on the toolbar. Type, or copy and paste, as above.

    Remember, RSS an extremely powerful substance - use only as directed and see your doctor if symptoms persist beyond a few days. I must go now - got some RSS in my wrist from all this typing.

    Need help with computer stuff? Henry can help. I promise a timely and definitive response to any technical question asked in the comments here.

    Glossary
    promise - vaguely suggest that something might happen, if you’re really really lucky.
    timely - If it occurs at all it will be within the context of the space-time continuum.
    definitive - My response may contain some definitions, such as these.

  • Henry’s Tech Advice #3 - Python Functions

    Posted on May 26th, 2006 Ben 3 comments

    Felinn asks “In python, how do you call functions? Also, is there an ni function?

    First, you need a function coordinator. This is a person who organizes the whole thing - the band, food, seating, comedy breasts, and other stuff like that. More importantly, this is also the person who gets the blame when things go badly.

    Next you need to yell loudly at the function coordinator whenever (s)he tries to do anything, or tries not to do anything, or makes any kind of suggestion, or comes at all close to attempting to do (s)her job. After all, that’s what you hired them for. Remember, it doesn’t matter if the whole thing is a complete disaster because, well, at least you have somebody to blame.

    Now, in the Python computer programming thingy there is a kind of a virtual function coordinator, and it is very important to realize how to deal with this “person”, or it would be, except that Python handles all of that for you, so that when you have a function like this:

    def mygreatfunction(thingy):
        do something cool

    you can just call it like this:

    mygreatfunction(I would like the veal)

    … and all of the yelling and abuse and blaming is done in the background without you even having to lift a finger.

    Isn’t that nice.

    Oh, and about the “ni function” - Don’t go messing with low level functions like that. It’s dangerous. Seriously. If you get it wrong - calling it in a forever loop, for example, you’ll end up with infinite shrubberies. That might sound good, but trust me, it’s not.

    Need help with computer stuff? Henry can help. I promise a timely and definitive response to any technical question asked in the comments here.

    Glossary
    promise - vaguely suggest that something might happen, if you’re really really lucky.
    timely - If it occurs at all it will be within the context of the space-time continuum.
    definitive - My response may contain some definitions, such as these.

  • Henry’s Tech Advice #2 - The Perils of RSS

    Posted on May 23rd, 2006 ben 7 comments

    Can I follow my responses to this gigabytes entry through the RSS 2.0 feed without losing my bits and graphic stuff?

    Good question, Lorraine. It is sad that so few people recognize the true dangers of dabbling in RSS, and other arcane witchcraft stuff like that.

    The problem with RSS, of course, is that if not set up correctly it will bypass the very important magical adsense portal of selling, which can cause bitwise data corruption in the graphical subroutines, and a resulting loss of cohesion in the matter stream. Transporter technicians are working on the problem as we speak, but a solution is not anticipated in the near future. Also, the warp coils need realigning, so we’re kind of busy in Engineering at the moment. Perhaps you could call back later. I will re-initialize your gigabit subspace ethernet at this time. Promise.

    Until then, please be advised that version 2.0 of the RSS Feeder is particularly susceptible to corrosion of the hull plating and gremlins in the data buffer. Furthermore the carrier wave on which RSS is transmitted often has secret government spy-rays piggy-backed onto it.

    Have a nice day.

    Need help with computer stuff? Henry can help. I promise a timely and definitive response to any technical question asked in the comments here.

    Glossary
    promise - vaguely suggest that something might happen, if you’re really really lucky.
    timely - If it occurs at all it will be within the context of the space-time continuum.
    definitive - My response may contain some definitions, such as these.

  • Henry’s Tech Advice #1 - Fedora Install Problem

    Posted on May 18th, 2006 Ben 3 comments

    My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a superhuman superhero linux guru of the highest order, and really clever too. I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of perfection in all thnigs, sorry, things, and to the noble and lofty goals of protecting the weak and fighting crime. Also, pizza. That’s pretty important too.

    So, when I hear a cry for help, I can do nought but respond with all the speed of a really fast superhero. “HELP… How come I have 5 disks but the install seems to be done after the 2nd disk. I am installing over ubuntu, does this have anything to do with it???” asks Laura over here.

    Well, Laura, first let me just say that you have come to the right place. In fact you have come to the rightest place there is. This place is so right it makes other right places look downright wrong.

    No, I am not stalling for time while I furiously search google my enormous brain for the solution to your problem.

    Anyway, last things first: “I am installing over Ubuntu, does this have anything to do with it???
    Yes. And no. There are several important points here.

    1. Thank you for all the question marks. I will use them wisely.
    2. I don’t think the comma is really appropriate there. It should probably be a semi-colon, or a dash, or possibly even a period. You know, like, “I am installing over Ubuntu. Does this have anything to do with it?”
    3. You should not be installing Fedora over Ubuntu. Fedora is designed to be installed over Windows.
    4. No, it has nothing whatsoever to do with it.

    How come I have 5 disks but the install seems to be done after the 2nd disk.
    Fedora is a front for some kind of secret government organization. The third disc contains a highly encrypted version of the prophecies of Nostrodamus, with footnotes by the original author explaining what the predictions really mean. Let’s just say old Nostro baby was one sick puppy. The fourth CD has all the classified information about UFOs and aliens and cows and stuff on it. And, CD five is mostly porn. Don’t even ask what the Rescue CD is for.

    Need help with computer stuff? Henry can help. I promise a timely and definitive response to any technical question asked in the comments here.

    Glossary
    promise - vaguely suggest that something might happen, if you’re really really lucky.
    timely - If it occurs at all it will be within the context of the space-time continuum.
    definitive - My response may contain some definitions, such as these.