Posted on March 21st, 2007 5 comments
I met a man on the road. He said, “Hey, man, you’re naked.”
“Sure,” I said, remembering the words of my ancient mentor.
“Henry,” croaked my mentor, as he lay on his deathbed, eating pie. “Henry,” he said, “The most important weapon you can have as a superhero is a good comeback.”
“Oh yeah?” I replied, “Well, you haven’t seen my new flamethrower. It has a hair trigger!” Which is where the deathbed part comes in. “Oops… Bugger.”
So, anyway, “Sure,” I said, remembering the words of my ancient mentor, “But at least my hair isn’t on fire!”
“What? My hair isn’t on… Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!” I guess the old guy was right, after all.
Posted on February 6th, 2007 3 comments
Honesty is the fourth best policy.
The best policies, in order, are as follows:
- Don’t get caught
- The Big Lie
- Blame the other guy
- Wear cotton underwear
Ok, so Honesty came in fifth, not fourth, but the underwear thing is really really important, you know, and anyway, stop being so bloody pedantic.
Posted on February 2nd, 2007 7 comments
We live in a world of decreasing diversity, which somehow manages to promote the illusion of increasing diversity. We live in a world of chocolate frogs and caffeinated donuts, and meaningless dialog disguised as meaningful dialog. A world of deep-seated fear, of fluoride mind-control techniques, of giant androgynous snowmen and gleaming silver robot lords with their evil plans of universal chaos and their chocolate frogs. Or did I already mention the frogs?
Anyway, we’ll see how quickly your “political correctness” and your “multiculturalism” and your “human rights” are discarded when the cheap, abundant oil runs out and survival becomes a struggle once more. Such worthless extremes will disappear with the easy life, and then we’ll see who’s insane for having a flamethrower surgically implanted in his forearm.
This announcement brought to you by the Henry the Adequate Survival League. Send cash. No, screw that, send gold and silver, and bullets.
Posted on December 19th, 2006 5 comments
Be careful what you wish for. Or else. I have a flamethrower you know.
Posted on December 4th, 2006 7 comments
In the end, when all is said and done, you can really only count on yourself. Or a calculator. An abacus, slide rule, your fingers, that ancient computer thingy those guys found.
But apart from that you are totally on your own.
Posted on November 23rd, 2006 7 comments
Superness is next to godliness.
Or was that cleanliness? Yes, of course, Superness is next to cleanliness.
Well, not next to, so much as inside of. Superness is inside of cleanliness.
Well, not so much cleanliness, as “the pub”, and not so much Superness, as Henry. Henry is inside of the pub. Which is pretty damn close to godliness, when you think about it.
Posted on November 20th, 2006 5 comments
Up in the sky!
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
Is it a pizza?
Is it a postmodern representation of historical truth, expressed from the viewpoint of Thomas the Tank Engine via the medium of mime?
Actually, I think it might be the sun.
Sorry, false alarm.
Posted on November 12th, 2006 8 comments
Never trust a man with peanut butter stains on his collar.
Posted on November 7th, 2006 3 comments
Laugh, and the world laugh’s with you. Cry, and you’ve probably anticipated this punchline.
Posted on November 4th, 2006 9 comments
The soul is the province of religion.
Music is the mathematics of the soul.
Computers are just applied mathematics.
Therefore Computers are holy. And God is a divide-by-zero error.