The Wisdom of Henry #173

Good thing are worth the wait. As are hideous things. Hideous things are totally worth the wait - the longer the better.

The Wisdom of Henry #172

If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you’re probably the executioner.

The Wisdom of Henry #171

CONSERVE WISDOM by, I don’t know, doing something all conservationalized and wisdom-promoting, like planting a wisdom tree or something.

Anyway, this whole “Conserve Wisdom” thing isn’t working out nearly as well as I hoped. Fortunately I have several new things planned that will make the “Conserve Wisdom” thing look like some kind of pathetic notion dreamed up by a moron with very little imagination (and, please, no comments to the effect that the Conserve Wisdom thing does that all on its own. Remember, I have a flamethrower).

For example, stay tuned for the brand new series entitled “Preserve Wisdom”, which will be closely followed by “Be Excellent to Wisdom” (with apologies to Bill and Ted), and “The Magic Faraway Wisdom Tree”.

The Wisdom of Henry #170

I was going to take comedy to the next level, but then I decided to take it to the previous level instead, or the one before that, or the one before that, mostly because it is easier.

The Wisdom of Henry #169

CONSERVE WISDOM. We can show you how.

The HTA Wisdom Conservation Fund is current accepting donations. Limited time only! Get in while stocks last!

Our patented Wisdom Extraction Device (WAD) helps you shed excess brain cells while you watch TV, play video games, or work out at the gym. In fact many of these activities actually increase the efficiency of the WAD.

PAINLESS, SAFE, PLEASURABLE, QUICK. You will come back for more. You will beg us to shoot our WAD at you.

What’s more it is completely TAX deductible.

(TAX : Total Anxiety attaXX. Feel the anxiety just flow from you with each redundant IQ point.)

The Wisdom of Henry #168

Every story has to end sometime.

This important message brought to you by HTA Story Enders Inc. Do you have a story that just won’t go away? Characters taking on a life of their own? Interminable plots that wind their way through the pages like a lazy mountain stream and never seem to get to the point?

That’s right folks. And just so you don’t think we’re pulling your chain, here’s a recent example of our fabulous work:

Golum: “The Precious! It’s mine! All mine! Hey, what’s this ocean of lava all about? Crap.”

Frodo: “Neat. Well that’s about finished it for the ring. Quite a good way to end our epic journey really. But wait, why not follow us, folks, as we wander aimlessly back to The Shire, crack onto some she-hobbits, smoke a bit of weed - no no, it’s legal in The Shire - and then maybe go on down to Rivendell to see Bilbo off. Then we can…”

Sam: ***Shove*** “Oops. Sorry Mr Frodo. Shame about the lava.”

***The End***

The Wisdom of Henry #167

CONSERVE WISDOM. Do something stupid.

The Wisdom of Henry #166

I met a man on the street. He said, “Hey dude, you got a dollar?”

I said, “No, I gave it to Ice.”

He said “Bummer.”

I said, “Why don’t you go down to the homeless shelter.”

He said, “I am an investment banker, dude.”

“Oh,” I said, and got the hell out of there before anybody noticed I was kinda ripping off an old Monty Python skit. And very badly at that. But then you expect that here, right?

The Wisdom of Henry #165

CONSERVE WISDOM (and peanut butter)

The Wisdom of Henry #164

We wish to advise that due to recent budgetary cutbacks the government has been forced to announce a fifty percent reduction in wisdom allocations. Citizens are urged to conserve all related products, including common sense, witticisms, smartarsedness, and peanut butter. Citizens should also be prepared for potentially crippling wisdom shortages during the coming months, and years.

Furthermore, in addition, as a result, and following from this, every second “Wisdom of Henry” shall henceforth consist entirely of the words “CONSERVE WISDOM”.

Thank you for your assistance in this matter.